We got a call today that we've got an appointment with a Neurosurgeon this afternoon. We knew we were going to have a meeting with one, but didn't know when, so it was kind of a surprise.
I don't know why, but for me surgery is the treatment option that scares me the most. Maybe because I'm not the one that has to go through it, or maybe because we've been through it once and it was tough to handle. I can't erase from my mind what the night of the last surgery was like. Feeling like pacing the halls every moment my love was in the operating room. Afterward, my love crying out in pain and fear, with me feeling so helpless. Watching my love each day struggle to regain full control of movement. The late nights, the nightmares my love had, negative reactions to medications. It was just not an easy time. Selfishly, I don't want to go through that again. I also don't want my love to have to go through that again. Plus, there is always risk involved, risks I'm not a huge fan of.
So much of me wishes I could just wake up from this nightmare, that I could go back in time and somehow prevent this mess. Alas, here we are with no way of doing so, so I guess "if wishes were horses, we'd all be eating steak." I just don't feel ready for all of this.
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