We got a call today that we've got an appointment with a Neurosurgeon this afternoon. We knew we were going to have a meeting with one, but didn't know when, so it was kind of a surprise.
I don't know why, but for me surgery is the treatment option that scares me the most. Maybe because I'm not the one that has to go through it, or maybe because we've been through it once and it was tough to handle. I can't erase from my mind what the night of the last surgery was like. Feeling like pacing the halls every moment my love was in the operating room. Afterward, my love crying out in pain and fear, with me feeling so helpless. Watching my love each day struggle to regain full control of movement. The late nights, the nightmares my love had, negative reactions to medications. It was just not an easy time. Selfishly, I don't want to go through that again. I also don't want my love to have to go through that again. Plus, there is always risk involved, risks I'm not a huge fan of.
So much of me wishes I could just wake up from this nightmare, that I could go back in time and somehow prevent this mess. Alas, here we are with no way of doing so, so I guess "if wishes were horses, we'd all be eating steak." I just don't feel ready for all of this.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Friday, April 27, 2012
"The Countdown is On"
17 days... seems like both an eternity and the blink of an eye. In 17 days I will be 3 days from turning 23 years old and my love will start radiation and chemotherapy treatments for brain cancer. I still can't believe I'm writing those words. I'm still in shock, yet in 17 days it will happen whether we're ready or not.
We went to the simulation appointment today that was set up by the radiology oncologist. Radiology therapists explained the process, showed us around, made a mask of my love's head to hold it completely still during treatment, took a CT scan, and gave my love a little dot tattoo so that everything will be lined up perfectly each time. I had the opportunity to go into the simulation room with my love for all but the CT scan and tattoo. It was really intense for me. According to my love I acted "awkward," but I don't know how else to act but kind of shocked and scared because that's how I feel. Apparently it wasn't as big of a deal for my love as it was for me, at least that is what my love says.
After all that, we met with scheduling and they said treatment will start at 2:30 on May 14th. We know that the Oncologist wants it to happen sooner, so maybe it will be less than 17 days, it's hard to know for sure. But 17 days at the latest.
In my love's words, "The countdown is on...."
Support Groups and Mohawks
Well, yesterday was a bit of a long day. I really wasn't at the house much at all.
In the morning, I went to Gilda's Club hoping to attend the kickboxing class they had on the schedule. Sadly, the instructor wasn't there, so I ended up doing an "open exercise" group thing where myself and a handful of middle aged to older women worked with weights and exercise balls and such. It was fine, but not what I had been hoping for.
I then came back, showered, ate lunch, and then it was off to the Oncologist appointment. Unlike the Radiology Oncologist appointment, which was very specific, the meeting seemed rather vague, like all of these things related to chemo are going to happen, but we don't know when exactly and we want to move the radiation up as soon as possible instead of waiting the two weeks. The oncologist is just kind of different personality wise.... Oh well I guess. He also didn't really explain what to expect with chemo, while the Radiology Oncologist did a really good job of explaining what to expect and the risks of radiation. He also seems like he's in a hurry all the time, which is frustrating for me.
Anyway, after that I went back to Gilda's Club and hung out for a while before supper and the support group started. I can't really tell you what I was expecting from the support group, but somehow it was different from whatever I was expecting. I guess it was really weird because people were all in different stages of supporting loved ones through cancer. Some people weren't in the group this week and will be moving to a grief group because their child just died of cancer. Others were supporting people who were dying. That was really intense and scary for me. I mean, we are so new to all of this, I guess I try not to let myself think of the disease as potentially fatal most of the time. Others were supporting people who were doing quite well, so that was nice to hear, others were more in limbo of waiting to see what effect the treatments would have. The one thing I really took from group, though, is that this first month is really hard and what I'm feeling is normal, just being stressed and overwhelmed and all that, which I appreciated hearing. I do hope and pray that as treatments start that it will be easier in some ways, at least that there will be a regular schedule and hopefully things will get continually better. Maybe I'm too optimistic, but at this point I don't care if that's the case.
When I returned home after the meeting, I got to snuggle and watch Princess Bride with my love and my love's family. Now, Princess Bride is one of those movies that I strongly associate with sleepovers with my love and our friends when we were younger. I had never even seen the movie until I met my love. So it was wonderful, but made me feel a lot of longing for times when life was simpler, or at least now it seems that it was simpler. So yeah, it was bittersweet.
Today my love finally got the Mohawk that my love has been wanting. Apparently my love posted pictures on Facebook, so if you are friends, you should check it out. My love looks pretty bad @$$ if I do say so myself :). The Mohawk was also bittersweet. My love has wanted one pretty much forever, but is sad that it will most likely fall out with the radiation and chemo. It's also sad that it has taken cancer for my love to say to heck with everyone else's opinion and get it done. It's also a bit weird because now you can see the scar from surgery really well, which just makes things feel a little more real. Regardless, though, my love looks good and enjoys it I think, which is great.
Well, we're about to be off to another appointment. This time to get prep work done for radiation. I'll try to continue to keep ya'll posted. Until then though, live each moment to the fullest!
In the morning, I went to Gilda's Club hoping to attend the kickboxing class they had on the schedule. Sadly, the instructor wasn't there, so I ended up doing an "open exercise" group thing where myself and a handful of middle aged to older women worked with weights and exercise balls and such. It was fine, but not what I had been hoping for.
I then came back, showered, ate lunch, and then it was off to the Oncologist appointment. Unlike the Radiology Oncologist appointment, which was very specific, the meeting seemed rather vague, like all of these things related to chemo are going to happen, but we don't know when exactly and we want to move the radiation up as soon as possible instead of waiting the two weeks. The oncologist is just kind of different personality wise.... Oh well I guess. He also didn't really explain what to expect with chemo, while the Radiology Oncologist did a really good job of explaining what to expect and the risks of radiation. He also seems like he's in a hurry all the time, which is frustrating for me.
Anyway, after that I went back to Gilda's Club and hung out for a while before supper and the support group started. I can't really tell you what I was expecting from the support group, but somehow it was different from whatever I was expecting. I guess it was really weird because people were all in different stages of supporting loved ones through cancer. Some people weren't in the group this week and will be moving to a grief group because their child just died of cancer. Others were supporting people who were dying. That was really intense and scary for me. I mean, we are so new to all of this, I guess I try not to let myself think of the disease as potentially fatal most of the time. Others were supporting people who were doing quite well, so that was nice to hear, others were more in limbo of waiting to see what effect the treatments would have. The one thing I really took from group, though, is that this first month is really hard and what I'm feeling is normal, just being stressed and overwhelmed and all that, which I appreciated hearing. I do hope and pray that as treatments start that it will be easier in some ways, at least that there will be a regular schedule and hopefully things will get continually better. Maybe I'm too optimistic, but at this point I don't care if that's the case.
When I returned home after the meeting, I got to snuggle and watch Princess Bride with my love and my love's family. Now, Princess Bride is one of those movies that I strongly associate with sleepovers with my love and our friends when we were younger. I had never even seen the movie until I met my love. So it was wonderful, but made me feel a lot of longing for times when life was simpler, or at least now it seems that it was simpler. So yeah, it was bittersweet.
Today my love finally got the Mohawk that my love has been wanting. Apparently my love posted pictures on Facebook, so if you are friends, you should check it out. My love looks pretty bad @$$ if I do say so myself :). The Mohawk was also bittersweet. My love has wanted one pretty much forever, but is sad that it will most likely fall out with the radiation and chemo. It's also sad that it has taken cancer for my love to say to heck with everyone else's opinion and get it done. It's also a bit weird because now you can see the scar from surgery really well, which just makes things feel a little more real. Regardless, though, my love looks good and enjoys it I think, which is great.
Well, we're about to be off to another appointment. This time to get prep work done for radiation. I'll try to continue to keep ya'll posted. Until then though, live each moment to the fullest!
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Shell Shock, Laughter, and Butterflies
The past couple of days have been a bit of a strange combination of emotions.
Yesterday afternoon, we had our first meeting with the Radiology Oncologist and it was quite intense. He did a very good job of better explaining information about the tumor (the type and what all that means) as well as the radiation portion of treatment. It was just a lot of tough information for me to swallow. I mean, I guess I felt like I had some understanding of stuff, but I specifically hadn't gone looking for a lot of information in part because I didn't know what I'd find and how accurate it would be, especially in my love's specific case. Yesterday's meeting provided clarification, but I left feeling much like I would expect someone to feel with shell shock. Hearing things like grade 4 tumor, stage 4 cancer is stressful and scary. I am one that when I hear stressful and scary information, I just want to be held and I need to talk about it and cry. My love is not that way all the time. Yes, my love appreciates physical touch and hugs and all that, but often needs space with difficult things. So yeah, I just felt really scared and kind of stuck.
When we got home, my love wanted to watch some old Saturday Night Live featuring Gilda (Gilda's Club's namesake), and throughout that I just felt more and more distant, overwhelmed, and uncomfortable. After watching several clips, I planned on going to make some phone calls to process things, but my love didn't want that either as it makes my love feel uncomfortable knowing people are going off and talking about my love's situation. So, instead of getting to go upstairs and talk and cry, it was requested that I would watch Back to the Future with my love and my love's parents. I'd never seen this movie before and we had been talking about watching it for some time. Thankfully, my love and I talked a bit before the movie and my love felt comfortable sitting close and snuggling. I needed that comfort and closeness, so I was really glad my love wasn't needing as much space as originally thought. Back to the Future is also quite amusing, I found, which I thoroughly appreciated. It was just a nice distraction and it was good to laugh.
Today, we went to the Meijer Gardens. It was quite lovely. We walked outside through the sculpture park, me and my love's mom taking turns pushing my love in a wheelchair. It was somewhat relaxing looking at the flowers and sculptures and hearing the birds. My favorite two sculptures were "Torso of Summer" and "Aria" though there were many that were very neat. The butterfly exhibit was also going on right now at the Gardens. When we lived in MI, my sister got to go to the exhibit on a school field trip, but I hadn't gotten to see them. It was really neat to finally see them and enjoy the beauty of the butterflies. I've always loved butterflies, but since getting that journal from my love and making this blog, they mean even more to me than before.
So yeah, from shell shock to laughter to butterflies, on continues the roller coaster ride that is my present state. I'm half terrified and half excited to see what tomorrow will bring. Until then, I guess I'll enjoy the ride as best I can.
Yesterday afternoon, we had our first meeting with the Radiology Oncologist and it was quite intense. He did a very good job of better explaining information about the tumor (the type and what all that means) as well as the radiation portion of treatment. It was just a lot of tough information for me to swallow. I mean, I guess I felt like I had some understanding of stuff, but I specifically hadn't gone looking for a lot of information in part because I didn't know what I'd find and how accurate it would be, especially in my love's specific case. Yesterday's meeting provided clarification, but I left feeling much like I would expect someone to feel with shell shock. Hearing things like grade 4 tumor, stage 4 cancer is stressful and scary. I am one that when I hear stressful and scary information, I just want to be held and I need to talk about it and cry. My love is not that way all the time. Yes, my love appreciates physical touch and hugs and all that, but often needs space with difficult things. So yeah, I just felt really scared and kind of stuck.
When we got home, my love wanted to watch some old Saturday Night Live featuring Gilda (Gilda's Club's namesake), and throughout that I just felt more and more distant, overwhelmed, and uncomfortable. After watching several clips, I planned on going to make some phone calls to process things, but my love didn't want that either as it makes my love feel uncomfortable knowing people are going off and talking about my love's situation. So, instead of getting to go upstairs and talk and cry, it was requested that I would watch Back to the Future with my love and my love's parents. I'd never seen this movie before and we had been talking about watching it for some time. Thankfully, my love and I talked a bit before the movie and my love felt comfortable sitting close and snuggling. I needed that comfort and closeness, so I was really glad my love wasn't needing as much space as originally thought. Back to the Future is also quite amusing, I found, which I thoroughly appreciated. It was just a nice distraction and it was good to laugh.
Today, we went to the Meijer Gardens. It was quite lovely. We walked outside through the sculpture park, me and my love's mom taking turns pushing my love in a wheelchair. It was somewhat relaxing looking at the flowers and sculptures and hearing the birds. My favorite two sculptures were "Torso of Summer" and "Aria" though there were many that were very neat. The butterfly exhibit was also going on right now at the Gardens. When we lived in MI, my sister got to go to the exhibit on a school field trip, but I hadn't gotten to see them. It was really neat to finally see them and enjoy the beauty of the butterflies. I've always loved butterflies, but since getting that journal from my love and making this blog, they mean even more to me than before.
So yeah, from shell shock to laughter to butterflies, on continues the roller coaster ride that is my present state. I'm half terrified and half excited to see what tomorrow will bring. Until then, I guess I'll enjoy the ride as best I can.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Introduction to Gilda's Club
Well, thanks to some great people in my life, the move out of the apartment went smoothly. I'm so thankful to my family and friends for all the help provided. It was certainly sad to move out of our first home, but I am sure there will be more to come.
I'm now back safely in Michigan. Last night, my love, my love's parents, and I went to the Gilda's Club that is here in the area for the new member meeting. It was really nice. I am very much looking forward to getting involved with the support groups and activities that they have available. We all signed up to attend the group that meets once monthly specifically for those affected by brain cancer. Sadly, it just happened last week, so it will be a few weeks before the next meeting. I personally intend to attend a weekly support group, but as I am unsure of our schedule at the moment, I have not signed up for anything specific yet. I hope to have a more concrete idea of when things will take place by the end of the week after meeting with the oncologist and radiology oncologist so that I can start getting involved in a group. I know that support groups have been very helpful for me in the past, so I am looking forward to having that sort of support through this as well. The actual house and grounds of Gilda's Club are really beautiful and comforting to me personally. I look forward to it being a place of comfort and healing.
We meet with the Radiology Oncologist today, so we are all a bit nervous about that, but hopefully it will provide us all with a better picture of what is to come.
One more tidbit of info... my love is set to get a Mohawk on Friday. My love seems pretty excited :).
Friday, April 20, 2012
Going Home... or At Least the Place We Used to Call Home
In less than an hour, I will start my drive back to Milwaukee from Michigan to pack up the place my love and I called home for 10 months. Let me preface all of this with the statement: I hate moving! My family moved 10 times before I turned 18 and I've sworn several times that I am going to settle down and stay in one place. I seem to keep breaking that promise to myself. But yeah, this time I really thought we'd stay at least in Milwaukee, even if not in that exact apartment, for quite a while. Surprise! Certainly my love's health comes first, and I will go wherever needed, but it is always weird and hard to move. Packing all your possessions into boxes is just emotional, especially when you don't know when you will see them next. It's also going to be really weird to be home alone. When I arrive today, my family won't be in town yet, and my cat is already gone, so yeah, it will be weird. Anyway, I've got to hit the road... bring on the weirdness I suppose.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Tying Up Loose Ends
Emergencies are kind of a pain.... With this whole situation there was very little time to prepare for my life to completely be altered. I'm really not trying to complain, it's just frustrating when you uproot yourself abruptly as it has a tendency to leave loose ends. I'm trying to tie some of those loose ends up today and this weekend.
I called Alverno today and left a message for the program director who is also my professor. I wrote her an email not too long after all this started asking about taking incompletes for the semester, but I still haven't heard back from her, which is stressful as I really don't want to flunk out of the program because of a family emergency.
I'm also trying to figure out everything that needs to happen for moving this weekend. My wonderful parents and sister are coming up to help me move, so we'll have 3 cars, but the biggest one is a small SUV (Ford Escape), so I don't think it will fit a lot of the furniture that needs to be moved (not that we have tons, but it is kind of bulky stuff). So I'm trying to get quotes for various moving equipment which is a bit stressful and expensive, but probably worth it. My mom is really concerned about having enough strong people there to help as she does not want my dad killing himself trying to carry heavy furniture. I'm considering hiring the "Two Men and a Truck" moving company as we would then have professional movers to take some of the pressure off my family and friends and our backs, but I don't know if that's the best option. Blah, decision making.... So anyway, if ya'll have any suggestions, let me know. Yes, my family has done our fair share of moving, but it was typically with professional movers paid for by my dad's new company, and I've never had to be the organizer of stuff, so yeah, it's a bit of a new experience.
I called Alverno today and left a message for the program director who is also my professor. I wrote her an email not too long after all this started asking about taking incompletes for the semester, but I still haven't heard back from her, which is stressful as I really don't want to flunk out of the program because of a family emergency.
I'm also trying to figure out everything that needs to happen for moving this weekend. My wonderful parents and sister are coming up to help me move, so we'll have 3 cars, but the biggest one is a small SUV (Ford Escape), so I don't think it will fit a lot of the furniture that needs to be moved (not that we have tons, but it is kind of bulky stuff). So I'm trying to get quotes for various moving equipment which is a bit stressful and expensive, but probably worth it. My mom is really concerned about having enough strong people there to help as she does not want my dad killing himself trying to carry heavy furniture. I'm considering hiring the "Two Men and a Truck" moving company as we would then have professional movers to take some of the pressure off my family and friends and our backs, but I don't know if that's the best option. Blah, decision making.... So anyway, if ya'll have any suggestions, let me know. Yes, my family has done our fair share of moving, but it was typically with professional movers paid for by my dad's new company, and I've never had to be the organizer of stuff, so yeah, it's a bit of a new experience.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
24 Hours of More "Firsts"
Last night at 5 pm my love and I and my love's parents attended our first meeting with an Oncologist. I was so nervous all day waiting for the appointment, unsure of what it would consist of. I made sure to take some notes as it was quite emotional and needed to get the information straight. The Oncologist explained about the difference between a glioma and a glioblastoma and that he is requesting the actual tissue to have his own pathologists look at it and make sure they come up with the same results as to what kind of tumor it is. I thought that was interesting and good that they are being so thorough. The Oncologist also said that they normally shoot to start radiation 3 weeks to a month after surgery, so it sounds like they will try and start radiation in about two weeks. The radiation will happen over 6 to 7 weeks getting up to a fairly high dose. My love will also need chemotherapy, taken in pill form. It sounds like the chemo will start sometime during the radiation treatment and will be once a day with radiation, then five days a week every four weeks for up to a year after radiation. They are going to have my love go for another MRI on Friday evening to get a baseline and see what it looks like after surgery. We're also scheduled to see a Radiology Oncologist next Tuesday to talk more about treatment and what that will look like. My love will also meet with a neurosurgeon here in the area in case additional surgery is needed at some point, though it does not sound like that will be the first course of attack. It's a lot of scary and intense information that is hard for me to type even now.
Another first today, I met for the first time with my new therapist. She seems okay. We didn't have any sort of immediate connection, but sometimes when you need someone at the last minute, you take what you can. I didn't have any major aversion to her either, which is good. Hopefully she will be able to help me through this journey. I really just need a place to go and talk and sort things out. She made some good points, so I'm hopeful about our therapeutic relationship.
Anyway, a couple firsts in the last 24 hours.
Another first today, I met for the first time with my new therapist. She seems okay. We didn't have any sort of immediate connection, but sometimes when you need someone at the last minute, you take what you can. I didn't have any major aversion to her either, which is good. Hopefully she will be able to help me through this journey. I really just need a place to go and talk and sort things out. She made some good points, so I'm hopeful about our therapeutic relationship.
Anyway, a couple firsts in the last 24 hours.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Checklist for Myself
One thing I've learned over the years (often the hard way) is that I have to take care of myself or I cannot be of any help to anyone else. Thankfully, through the last couple of weeks I've had a lot of people who care about me help me take care of myself. It's wonderful to know there are those kind of people in your life.
Since moving up to Michigan late last Wednesday, I've been wanting to get some things together for my personal mental health. Today I accomplished part of that checklist, which feels really great.
First, I found out about a resource for people affected by cancer in the Grand Rapids area through the mother of a friend of mine. It's called Gilda's Club and it looks amazing! Not only do they offer weekly support meetings for both cancer patients and family members, they offer tons of other classes and groups as well, everything from watercolors and other art classes, to craft classes, to exercise classes and it's all free of charge for members. The best part of it is that there are no membership fees, it's more a commitment to try out some of the groups for a while that makes you a member. I could just cry I am so grateful! I was specifically thinking about looking for some sort of exercise classes and maybe art classes to get involved with, and now they are right in front of me and I don't have to figure out how to afford them. So I'm all signed up for the "New Members Meeting" next Monday, which I'm really excited about.
Second, I set up an appointment with a therapist today. Sadly, the person that someone gave me a referral for is booked until at least May. I know myself, and I just can't wait that long at the moment. So I asked the receptionist if there was someone else with similar specialties that I could see, and I now have an appointment for tomorrow, which I'm hoping will be really good for me.
Last major checklist item I completed today was putting in my 2 weeks notice at work. I'm really just thankful I'm not trying to be a caregiver for anyone but my love right now, as I would probably be an emotional wreck and not very helpful to my clients.
So yeah, pretty good day all in all, important to take care of me through all this.
Since moving up to Michigan late last Wednesday, I've been wanting to get some things together for my personal mental health. Today I accomplished part of that checklist, which feels really great.
First, I found out about a resource for people affected by cancer in the Grand Rapids area through the mother of a friend of mine. It's called Gilda's Club and it looks amazing! Not only do they offer weekly support meetings for both cancer patients and family members, they offer tons of other classes and groups as well, everything from watercolors and other art classes, to craft classes, to exercise classes and it's all free of charge for members. The best part of it is that there are no membership fees, it's more a commitment to try out some of the groups for a while that makes you a member. I could just cry I am so grateful! I was specifically thinking about looking for some sort of exercise classes and maybe art classes to get involved with, and now they are right in front of me and I don't have to figure out how to afford them. So I'm all signed up for the "New Members Meeting" next Monday, which I'm really excited about.
Second, I set up an appointment with a therapist today. Sadly, the person that someone gave me a referral for is booked until at least May. I know myself, and I just can't wait that long at the moment. So I asked the receptionist if there was someone else with similar specialties that I could see, and I now have an appointment for tomorrow, which I'm hoping will be really good for me.
Last major checklist item I completed today was putting in my 2 weeks notice at work. I'm really just thankful I'm not trying to be a caregiver for anyone but my love right now, as I would probably be an emotional wreck and not very helpful to my clients.
So yeah, pretty good day all in all, important to take care of me through all this.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Peace Be With You
Yesterday we went to the church my love grew up in for Sunday service. It was lovely, but somewhat difficult too. I know it was awkward for my love a bit as the prayer list included my love's name.
I thought going to church might be rather weird for me as I am still trying to figure out what I believe after distancing myself from the church of my childhood. One thing that I have always connected to, though, are hymns. I love hymns. I think they are beautiful. Yesterday, there were quite a few musical numbers as part of the service. One was sung by a soprano as a solo. I know I have heard the hymn before, but I particularly appreciated it yesterday. It is called "O Rest in the Lord" by Felix Mendelssohn. The words struck me the most, they said "O rest in the Lord, wait patiently for him, and he shall give thee thy heart's desires. Commit thy way unto him, and trust in him...." (emphasis added by me). It's hard for me to trust sometimes, and hard for me to wait patiently, but I definitely have important desires in my heart that I want heard, so I guess I need to try a little harder with the trusting and waiting. Another hymn I appreciated was called "Savior, Like a Shepherd Lead Us" from the United Methodist Hymnal. The first verse says, "Savior, like a shepherd lead us, much we need thy tender care; in thy pleasant pastures feed us, for our use thy fold prepare. Blessed Jesus, blessed Jesus! Thou has bought us, thine we are." I don't know, I guess I've just always liked the idea of Jesus as a shepherd, watching over us and caring for each one of us, and I can certainly use tender care right now.
The sermon itself was all about peace. The topic was "Peace Be With You," which I could use at the moment. As part of the "Children's Time" the pastor talked about different words for peace. One of the words he mentioned was "shalom" and he said something to the affect that shalom not only means peace, but also completeness. I wish I had written down exactly what he said, but it really touched me. I guess it reminded me that I believe everything happens for a reason, and that through a higher power I can feel peace and completeness and that maybe, just maybe, for some reason we're where we're supposed to be right now and everything will be alright.
Anyway, it was just kind of good to go to church. I wish for peace to be with each of you, and with me as well.
I thought going to church might be rather weird for me as I am still trying to figure out what I believe after distancing myself from the church of my childhood. One thing that I have always connected to, though, are hymns. I love hymns. I think they are beautiful. Yesterday, there were quite a few musical numbers as part of the service. One was sung by a soprano as a solo. I know I have heard the hymn before, but I particularly appreciated it yesterday. It is called "O Rest in the Lord" by Felix Mendelssohn. The words struck me the most, they said "O rest in the Lord, wait patiently for him, and he shall give thee thy heart's desires. Commit thy way unto him, and trust in him...." (emphasis added by me). It's hard for me to trust sometimes, and hard for me to wait patiently, but I definitely have important desires in my heart that I want heard, so I guess I need to try a little harder with the trusting and waiting. Another hymn I appreciated was called "Savior, Like a Shepherd Lead Us" from the United Methodist Hymnal. The first verse says, "Savior, like a shepherd lead us, much we need thy tender care; in thy pleasant pastures feed us, for our use thy fold prepare. Blessed Jesus, blessed Jesus! Thou has bought us, thine we are." I don't know, I guess I've just always liked the idea of Jesus as a shepherd, watching over us and caring for each one of us, and I can certainly use tender care right now.
The sermon itself was all about peace. The topic was "Peace Be With You," which I could use at the moment. As part of the "Children's Time" the pastor talked about different words for peace. One of the words he mentioned was "shalom" and he said something to the affect that shalom not only means peace, but also completeness. I wish I had written down exactly what he said, but it really touched me. I guess it reminded me that I believe everything happens for a reason, and that through a higher power I can feel peace and completeness and that maybe, just maybe, for some reason we're where we're supposed to be right now and everything will be alright.
Anyway, it was just kind of good to go to church. I wish for peace to be with each of you, and with me as well.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Promises to Keep
A few weeks ago, my love and I were laying in bed talking before going to sleep and my love asked me a question. My love said "Will you marry me before I die?" Now, this was not a particularly unique question, as my love likes to ask me "Will you marry me?" and "When?" I, of course, always respond in the affirmative and tell my love we can get married any time, but that I want a pretty dress when it happens. This particular night, though, my love asked, "Will you marry me before I die?" and when I said yes, my love said, "Promise?" I said of course and my love said, "No matter what happens?" I of course reassured my love that no matter what happened we would marry before my love died. At the time, I thought very little of it, after all we're in our early 20's, death seemed so far away from the realm of possibility. Through the last week and a half, I've been thinking about that promise, though. I still have no doubt we will get married, me in a pretty dress and my love in a top hat with a pot luck reception just like we each have wanted. I just pray every moment of every day that it doesn't have to be soon, I'd love for it to be soon, I just don't want it to have to be.
In the hospital, right after the surgery, my love was having a really rough time, a combination of anesthesia, medications, brain surgery, pain, and who knows what else. That night, I sang to my love for several hours straight, the same two lullabies over and over again, nonstop, it was one of the only things that helped keep my love more calm. During that time my love looked at me and said, "This is why I want to marry you." It was so sweet. My love later asked, "Will you marry me?" I of course said yes as I always do. My response made my love, who was a bit out of it, very happy, and throughout the night my love informed parents, nurses, and friends (basically anyone we came in contact with) that we were going to get married. My love also asked about having a potluck reception. My love has wanted this for a long time, but I've kind of been hesitant as many of our guests will have to travel. With all that happened those couple days, I realized how silly I was being, and how all that really matters is our happiness, so I promised my love that a potluck would be in order. So yeah, it will be amazing. Anyway, I still have no idea when or where this wedding will happen, but if anyone finds great deals on wedding stuff, keep me posted, and remember, I want a pretty dress :).
In the hospital, right after the surgery, my love was having a really rough time, a combination of anesthesia, medications, brain surgery, pain, and who knows what else. That night, I sang to my love for several hours straight, the same two lullabies over and over again, nonstop, it was one of the only things that helped keep my love more calm. During that time my love looked at me and said, "This is why I want to marry you." It was so sweet. My love later asked, "Will you marry me?" I of course said yes as I always do. My response made my love, who was a bit out of it, very happy, and throughout the night my love informed parents, nurses, and friends (basically anyone we came in contact with) that we were going to get married. My love also asked about having a potluck reception. My love has wanted this for a long time, but I've kind of been hesitant as many of our guests will have to travel. With all that happened those couple days, I realized how silly I was being, and how all that really matters is our happiness, so I promised my love that a potluck would be in order. So yeah, it will be amazing. Anyway, I still have no idea when or where this wedding will happen, but if anyone finds great deals on wedding stuff, keep me posted, and remember, I want a pretty dress :).
Friday, April 13, 2012
Themes in Life
I was talking to my love on the drive up to Michigan about a certain theme in my life. I realized that a kind of sad theme from my life is not realizing how good I have things until I move away.
I'm really not trying to be depressing or anything, quite the opposite, I really am trying to say thank you.
A little back story on this theme, my family has moved 10 times while I was still living at home, and with every move from the time I moved from Michigan I realized only after I moved just how amazing things had been. I enjoyed my time in Michigan, don't get me wrong, but I didn't realize just how much I loved everyone and how good of friends I had until I had to leave them. The same thing happened when I moved from Illinois to Texas, and so on.
Well, that happened this last week as well. During my time in Milwaukee, I felt a little out of place at times. I felt like I didn't really have friends of my own at times, just friends of my love who were also kind of my friends. This last week I realized just how true of friends that not only my love had in Milwaukee, but also how true and amazing my friends are, and that my love's friends were also truly my friends. The fact that I could call someone at one-o-clock in the morning to go to my apartment and bring me my medications was amazing. People who would come and just sit in the waiting room, not even getting to go into the room, but still coming just to support made me cry grateful tears. People providing food, and love, and support throughout this week from Hell, made everything a bit more bearable.
When we drove out of Milwaukee on Wednesday, I really felt like crying just because I realized once again how good things were a little later than I had hoped. More than anything, though, this post is a thank you to everyone, people near and far that have supported me, but also especially to those in Milwaukee, thanks for being such amazing friends. I look forward to seeing you all again soon. Now I know how blessed I am and what good friends I have, both near and far.
I'm really not trying to be depressing or anything, quite the opposite, I really am trying to say thank you.
A little back story on this theme, my family has moved 10 times while I was still living at home, and with every move from the time I moved from Michigan I realized only after I moved just how amazing things had been. I enjoyed my time in Michigan, don't get me wrong, but I didn't realize just how much I loved everyone and how good of friends I had until I had to leave them. The same thing happened when I moved from Illinois to Texas, and so on.
Well, that happened this last week as well. During my time in Milwaukee, I felt a little out of place at times. I felt like I didn't really have friends of my own at times, just friends of my love who were also kind of my friends. This last week I realized just how true of friends that not only my love had in Milwaukee, but also how true and amazing my friends are, and that my love's friends were also truly my friends. The fact that I could call someone at one-o-clock in the morning to go to my apartment and bring me my medications was amazing. People who would come and just sit in the waiting room, not even getting to go into the room, but still coming just to support made me cry grateful tears. People providing food, and love, and support throughout this week from Hell, made everything a bit more bearable.
When we drove out of Milwaukee on Wednesday, I really felt like crying just because I realized once again how good things were a little later than I had hoped. More than anything, though, this post is a thank you to everyone, people near and far that have supported me, but also especially to those in Milwaukee, thanks for being such amazing friends. I look forward to seeing you all again soon. Now I know how blessed I am and what good friends I have, both near and far.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Still in Shock
It's amazing how much can change in a week, a day, an instant. The past 8 days have been some of the longest and most challenging of my life, and they sadly only mark the beginning of a long journey yet to come.
A few years ago, I honestly can't even remember exactly when, Alicia gave me a journal. It was a blue hardcover book that had white writing on the cover. The writing said something to the affect of "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was ending, it changed into a butterfly." It was very special then as I was going through some tough times in my life and needed that reminder, but I honestly feel I've never needed that message more than now. I am praying now more than ever to see that transformation happen in my life and his, to be able to find beauty and peace on the other side of this. So yeah, that's where the blog title comes from.
I apologize to anyone who reads this, as it may be very disjointed, but that's just how things are going at the moment.
Last week Wednesday I heard some of the scariest words come out of a doctor's mouth that exist: "we found a tumor." It took almost a full 24 hours for those words to actually hit me. Up until that point, it felt like a terrible dream, like it couldn't be real. How could my 23 year old fiancee have a brain tumor? It just didn't seem possible. In some ways it still doesn't.
Well, I will write more in a bit, I can only handle so much at once.
A few years ago, I honestly can't even remember exactly when, Alicia gave me a journal. It was a blue hardcover book that had white writing on the cover. The writing said something to the affect of "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was ending, it changed into a butterfly." It was very special then as I was going through some tough times in my life and needed that reminder, but I honestly feel I've never needed that message more than now. I am praying now more than ever to see that transformation happen in my life and his, to be able to find beauty and peace on the other side of this. So yeah, that's where the blog title comes from.
I apologize to anyone who reads this, as it may be very disjointed, but that's just how things are going at the moment.
Last week Wednesday I heard some of the scariest words come out of a doctor's mouth that exist: "we found a tumor." It took almost a full 24 hours for those words to actually hit me. Up until that point, it felt like a terrible dream, like it couldn't be real. How could my 23 year old fiancee have a brain tumor? It just didn't seem possible. In some ways it still doesn't.
Well, I will write more in a bit, I can only handle so much at once.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)