Life is a whirlwind

Less than a month ago, my love and I spent some time discussing the fact that we wanted to have a wedding in this coming year. About a week later, we found out about the new tumor and my love was admitted to the hospital. About a week after that, my love was released from the hospital with hospice care, Sunday a nurse from hospice told us my love appeared to be declining and might have just a matter of days left, Monday things turned around and my love is no longer showing those signs of decline. I can't begin to express how grateful I am for Monday's turnaround. Such a blessing that has restored a bit of the faith I'd been struggling with.

It probably goes without saying that I have been on an emotion roller coaster lately. In the last week alone, I have felt so much. There were times I have found great joy and laughed so hard it made my stomach sore. There have been times of great sorrow and pain and fear where I cried so long and so hard that my head throbbed, my eyes burned, and my stomach was sore from bawling. There have been times of great depression and irrationality, and times of peace and comfort and clarity of mind. And these times only scratch the surface of what I have felt this last week alone.

Despite the whirlwind of the last week (and really the last month or even year), today I feel grateful. One thing that I have always admired about my love is my love's ability to find the positive, often even in very difficult situations; I am trying to do the same. I say that I am trying because I am far from mastering this, but you've caught me at a good moment on a good day. Today I am grateful that my love's nausea is finally under control. I am thankful that I have been able to have some important conversations with several important people in my life including my love as well as family members and friends. I am thankful that my moments of irrational thinking, depression, and anguish have been outweighed by love, support, and clarity and that I have been able to discuss those darker moments with people in my support system and actively plan for what needs to happen if I am overcome by such moments. I am so grateful for each moment I have with my love and for all that we have shared throughout our relationship both as friends and as partners. I am feeling grateful for all of this and much more.

I want to share something with all of you, that I hope if I ever lose sight of, that those of you who love and support me can lovingly remind me of and guide me back to. Quite some time ago, I honestly can't even remember when, my love and I were talking about death. This may seem a strange topic, but we have both dealt with a lot over the years, especially with depression, and so we discussed how difficult it would be for either of us if we were to lose the other. I felt very strongly at that time that if my love were to die, that I would want to die as well, that it would be too difficult to be without my love and I would likely commit suicide. What my love said next wasso amazing and wise and enlightened, as things my love has really thought about often are. My love looked at me and said that if my love was ever to lose me to death, that it would be extremelydifficult, but that my love would want to live to try and do the things I would never have the chance to do. That has always stuck with me over the years and I have thought about it a lot lately, and on Sunday, I reminded my love of that conversation and said that my love's wise desire was my new goal. That whenever my love's time on this Earth is finished, that I will hold my love's memory and spirit close and I will do my best to do the things my love won't get to do. I don't know exactly what that will look like, but it is my goal.

Well, it is rather late, so I am going ti close. Thank you all for being part of our support system. Best wishes!

(p.s. - please excuse any grammatical errors as I am writing this on my pgone which has a touchytoch screen keyboard that doesn't always do what I want it ti.)